Screwed Up Priorites?

This week was a hectic time at work.  Well, hectic for me is clocking in at 7:30am when I usually clock in at 9am because of a monthly project.  The project went well and, most importantly, my clients were happy, but it left me with a weird lag-time since I got to leave at 4pm.  Most people would be elated to get out of work early, but it put me in a weird bind. 

Most people I work with try to get in early and leave early.  As for me, I'd much rather come in later and stay late so I don't have much lag-time in between evening  activities like happy hours, classes, etc, especially since I live across town.  If there is lag-time, I just end up going home and reading.  But with this week, I had to prioritize my lag time, trying to occupy myself for two hours on either Tuesday or Wednesday evening. I wanted to have one of those evenings to myself to recuperate and cook dinner for myself.  

So my choices: Either go to an empowering meeting of Asian-American activist women on Tuesday evening or a Stir Event sponsored by match.com on Wednesday. 

Of course, I picked the match.com event on Wednesday evening. 

Although I only spent one hour there, no one even glanced at me.  Of course, a huge blow to the self-esteem.  Although an evening of comfort Indian food and bollywood on youtube helped, I still woke up feeling like an idiot. 

As I sit in front of my work computer with a mug on my face, I just hope I can think about what can be more empowering for me than emotional.  I know a lot of what I picked has to do with my last post of feeling out of place as a single lady. 

I didn't intend for my blog to turn into a rant but I guess for now this is what I need.  If anything, I feel a little bit better and can focus back on my clients and maybe a little on myself.

Soul Sisters...

A couple of months ago I was on a horrible date with someone my boss set me up with.  The only thing I really care to remember from the conversation was a book recommendation.

"Love, Inshallah" is a book written by Muslim American women writing about their experiences.  Love, God-Willing.  Although I am not Muslim, I really identified with many of the writers and even surprised that I knew one of them back in college.  It is so rare to find a book that resonates with me, especially with many of the writers being of South Asian descent.  What makes the promotion of the book interesting is that the editors created a blog were contributers to the book write posts along with other writers. 


Their recent post came from another blog, but I think this touched me even deeper than many of the other posts I've read on the site: On My Own by Hafsa Arain

Published on "This Recording" , the piece is about how a young woman is coming to terms how she will likely be single due to lack of experiences in relationships.  For me I've been feeling a similar thought.  While I have relationship experiences, none of them have been positive.  It hurts for me to realize that I may never have that.  I went to a bachelorette party last night where I was not only the oldest, but the poorest and the only single one.  It is as if the signs of the universe are making it apparent that I may be the single one forever.  While I think that maybe it is better to be single than in an abusive relationship, I still crave that connection, that hope that I will find my best friend, that my parents would have a wedding, but it just seems more and more bleek. 

Of course the saying goes that if you believe in the negative, it will come true.  I really don't want to believe in the negative but wish the universe would for once cut me a break.  Just once so I can feel normal and happy. 

So, how about it, universe?

15-20 New Dates Annually?!?!

Seriously?

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2012/07/still-single/

Mirror, Mirror

A little insight about me: I never look in the mirror no more than once a day.





Yes, just once a day.  Once a day to make sure that my hair is presentable, but no more than that.  I wash my face after a shower, when the mist fogs my mirror.  When brusing my teeth twice a day, I focus on my mouth.  When plucking my eyebrows I look at the arches and the stray hairs. 

I cannot bare the look of my face.  While I know I have eyes looking at my face, straight into my eyes, I cannot bare to look my own self in the eye.  It is not because I am ashamed of myself.  I cannot make myself admire who I am.  I am doing work on getting to know myself and I like what I see on the inside, but I just cannot see it on the outside.

My therapist for two years has been trying to convince me to look at my reflection but I still cannot make eye contact with myself. 

Wish List

I recently learned how to ride a bike.  This would be a great dress to celebrate this rather late accomplishment.  Too bad I can't seem to find it online...