Goodbye 2012

A year ago Sunday, I got a final goodbye from my last love.  He called me a 'lying whore', a label that hurt me to the core and that even a 367 days later still stings.

Nevertheless, it was in that instant that I knew I was alone and had to fend for myself.  I could not wait for a new partner, a new love to come around.  I had to do something for me.

2012 was a year of growth, of transition, of action.  I may not love myself any more or less, but I am still persevering, thinking, reflecting, and, of course, day-dreaming.

Here are a series of questions I borrowed from one of my favorite blogs:

5 events that have been the best this year:
1. Going to Costa Rica on my own.
2. Visiting Portland, Sedona, Yosemite, and Tomales Bay
3. Learning how to ride a bike
4. Performing on stage for the first time
5. Being on the water white water rafting, kayaking, and paddleboarding

5 events that have been the worst this year
1. Being called a 'lying whore' at the beginning of the year
2. Being rejected after sending an e-mail to an old friend
3. The shootings all over the country
4. Almost drowning in the Balsa River in Costa Rica
5. Sill not loving myself as much as I should

What have you learned this year
I have learned that I have more strength in me than I realized.  While this year has been tough, having a routine has maintained me mentally and physically.

What is the best thing you read
Two of the most inspiring books I read were "Love, Inshallah" and "Girl Goddess #9".  Both books are short stories of inspiring women, both real and fiction.  While I read a lot this year, these two books are what I would love to write someday as I try to return to the world of words.

What you wish you'd done more?
I wish I involved myself in creative pursuits.  I really wish I wrote more fiction pieces instead of rants.  I wish I took more pictures and captured serene scenes.

Was this the year you had in mind?
In mid 2011, 2012 was filled with so much hope, which were dashed.  At the beginning of 2012, I really did not know what to expect.  In reflecting on 2012, I think that I had accomplished a lot, but I also maintained myself in spite of the emotional life inside of me. I thought I would be further ahead in loving myself more, but I think I have a long way to go.  I do feel I was able to be there for others and connect with people who I can trust, which is what I needed to make 2012 run smoothly.

Screwed Up Priorites?

This week was a hectic time at work.  Well, hectic for me is clocking in at 7:30am when I usually clock in at 9am because of a monthly project.  The project went well and, most importantly, my clients were happy, but it left me with a weird lag-time since I got to leave at 4pm.  Most people would be elated to get out of work early, but it put me in a weird bind. 

Most people I work with try to get in early and leave early.  As for me, I'd much rather come in later and stay late so I don't have much lag-time in between evening  activities like happy hours, classes, etc, especially since I live across town.  If there is lag-time, I just end up going home and reading.  But with this week, I had to prioritize my lag time, trying to occupy myself for two hours on either Tuesday or Wednesday evening. I wanted to have one of those evenings to myself to recuperate and cook dinner for myself.  

So my choices: Either go to an empowering meeting of Asian-American activist women on Tuesday evening or a Stir Event sponsored by match.com on Wednesday. 

Of course, I picked the match.com event on Wednesday evening. 

Although I only spent one hour there, no one even glanced at me.  Of course, a huge blow to the self-esteem.  Although an evening of comfort Indian food and bollywood on youtube helped, I still woke up feeling like an idiot. 

As I sit in front of my work computer with a mug on my face, I just hope I can think about what can be more empowering for me than emotional.  I know a lot of what I picked has to do with my last post of feeling out of place as a single lady. 

I didn't intend for my blog to turn into a rant but I guess for now this is what I need.  If anything, I feel a little bit better and can focus back on my clients and maybe a little on myself.

Soul Sisters...

A couple of months ago I was on a horrible date with someone my boss set me up with.  The only thing I really care to remember from the conversation was a book recommendation.

"Love, Inshallah" is a book written by Muslim American women writing about their experiences.  Love, God-Willing.  Although I am not Muslim, I really identified with many of the writers and even surprised that I knew one of them back in college.  It is so rare to find a book that resonates with me, especially with many of the writers being of South Asian descent.  What makes the promotion of the book interesting is that the editors created a blog were contributers to the book write posts along with other writers. 


Their recent post came from another blog, but I think this touched me even deeper than many of the other posts I've read on the site: On My Own by Hafsa Arain

Published on "This Recording" , the piece is about how a young woman is coming to terms how she will likely be single due to lack of experiences in relationships.  For me I've been feeling a similar thought.  While I have relationship experiences, none of them have been positive.  It hurts for me to realize that I may never have that.  I went to a bachelorette party last night where I was not only the oldest, but the poorest and the only single one.  It is as if the signs of the universe are making it apparent that I may be the single one forever.  While I think that maybe it is better to be single than in an abusive relationship, I still crave that connection, that hope that I will find my best friend, that my parents would have a wedding, but it just seems more and more bleek. 

Of course the saying goes that if you believe in the negative, it will come true.  I really don't want to believe in the negative but wish the universe would for once cut me a break.  Just once so I can feel normal and happy. 

So, how about it, universe?

15-20 New Dates Annually?!?!

Seriously?

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2012/07/still-single/

Mirror, Mirror

A little insight about me: I never look in the mirror no more than once a day.





Yes, just once a day.  Once a day to make sure that my hair is presentable, but no more than that.  I wash my face after a shower, when the mist fogs my mirror.  When brusing my teeth twice a day, I focus on my mouth.  When plucking my eyebrows I look at the arches and the stray hairs. 

I cannot bare the look of my face.  While I know I have eyes looking at my face, straight into my eyes, I cannot bare to look my own self in the eye.  It is not because I am ashamed of myself.  I cannot make myself admire who I am.  I am doing work on getting to know myself and I like what I see on the inside, but I just cannot see it on the outside.

My therapist for two years has been trying to convince me to look at my reflection but I still cannot make eye contact with myself. 

Wish List

I recently learned how to ride a bike.  This would be a great dress to celebrate this rather late accomplishment.  Too bad I can't seem to find it online...